I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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