sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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