The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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