im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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