did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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