I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
