OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
