FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
last night I used snow as a chaser
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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