I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
