I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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