i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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