the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
