Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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