Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
