do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
