You surviving the open bar?
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i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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