let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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