You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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