All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
