you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
