Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
