I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Welp...herpes.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
