I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
