I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
