someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
