i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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