masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
