The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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