we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
