ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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