I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
