I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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