No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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