I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
