I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize