She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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