So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
