there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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