Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
