Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
