My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
Randomize
