Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
