I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He did a backflip because drugs
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