my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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