I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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