watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
