Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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