I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
