get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
