Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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