I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
