$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I need water and some morals
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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