I hate your face
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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