You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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