I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
