Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
