She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
