i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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