I wish I could teleport
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
