I want to walk on stilts...naked
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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