wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize