can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
